Every now and again something crosses my desk that reminds me of how clever and wonderful my fellow Man can be.
Case in point, this eye-popping-ly expensive pair of speaker cables from AudioQuest that, for reasons completely unknown to me, are being sold through Amazon.
Having a bad audio day? Read the comments. I’ve copied some here because I’m not sure how long this page will be left unmolested by the Powers That Be.
With the help of this cable, I can now experience music the way it’s meant to be heard. I find that plugging this directly into my ears helps transmit the cleanest, most pure sound. Make sure you clean your ears out though (with liquefied dark matter, of course), because quality will suffer if your ear-holes aren’t sparkly clean.
Also, I can fly now because of this cable.
If only Heracles had such power!
If there is one cable I would whole-heartedly trust to my Chimera-hunting needs, this would be the cable. No other cable has the tensile strength to properly and efficiently garrote a lycanthrope, asphyxiate an Esquilax or even gag a mermaid. Last week, using my trusty AudioQuest K2 (retrofitted with lead weights, bright orange latex paint and a generous coating of crushed glass stolen from the window of an abandoned church at midnight), I managed to snuff 3 golden unicorns in swift succession!
Pros: Quickly tears through scales, fur, bone, and adamantium with ease
Coils and uncoils from hip holster (optional) quickly and quietly
For a product fabricated from 1,000 Onyx Dragon fetuses, the price is unbelievably reasonable!
Cons: Shipping from the R’lyeh took far too long
Doesn’t come in 10′ lengths (which would be perfect for hydra, cerberii and other multi-headed creatures)
After every use, I can feel 6 ounces of my soul slipping from my core into the ether. But this may be due to the fact that I prefer to work without gloves. YMMV.
Overall, I would recommend that any hunter buy one, nay, two, of these immediately, and experience the difference that upgrading to the K2 will make in your next quest!
Long have I sought this cable
Once in ten thousand years, they say, an eclipse blots out the rising sun in the house of Ophiuchus. On that dark dawn, light a candle made from the tallow of a pure black ram, take the AudioQuest K2 terminated speaker cable in your left hand, connect your bookshelf speakers to your hi-fi, and listen–the voices of the dead, some say, will whisper their dreadful secrets in stereo. Or, some say, you will hear God Himself speak the unspeakable Word at around the 80Hz range. One legend holds that the speakers shall ring forth with nothing but the terrible, terrible silence of an empty Cosmos. Who among us can know? And just look at those savings!
Do not buy these cables
They’re TOO good. I plugged these things into my 50W Magnavox 2.1 surround receiver and they impregnated my daughter. And I don’t even have a daughter. I had to return them so I can afford the pregnant daughter that my future wife is going to give birth to.
I couldnt believe my eyes…..or ears
It was rumored that these cables were an original design of Thomas Edison, specifically designed to enhance sound. Unfortunately the technology didnt exist to create the speakers we have today (recall those large funnel horns that would sit a-top the victrolas of his day). Today the technology has finally caught up with the cable and this is an amazing day indeed!
Mine were hand delived to my front door by the one and only Warwick Davis (who played Willow in the 1988 box office smash ‘Willow’). He was very cordial and even posed for a photo with me and my AudioQuest K2’s.
Some things that have happened since owning and using the K2’s:
- My car can now fly
- I won the lottery
- My ‘through-door’ water dispenser on my refrigerator now gives chocolate milk
- My mother went back to school and got her PhD
- I now get all of George Lopez’s jokes
- I have night vision
- I have started to age in reverse
- I can no longer hear a dog’s bark
They’ll get you action, save a life and supercharge time travel
My grandpappy once told me. You get what you pay for, so I figured I’d get a lot with these. Boy was he right. I even payed the extra for two-day shipping. It was a bit of a rip, but what the hell, I wanted them NOW!
You’d think either UPS, FedEx or USPS would deliver them, but no. Hugh Hefner and an entourage of topless girls show up and help you hook them up. I had to tell Hef to wait outside awhile, so he fed the birds on the front lawn while I got a little freaky. When I hooked these bad boys up to the HiFi, the sound was so amazing, naked women from the whole neighborhood started showing up. I’m not sure what to make of how incredible these are.
Sadly, a little girl fell in an abandoned well up the road and all the rescue workers ran out of ideas to get her out of the small hole. I ran over with my new K2 Terminators and lowered an end down. It magically twirled around the kid and pulled her up to safety. I refused interviews or credit. I also had no explanation about the naked women in tow.
Lastly, I have a working flux capacitor in a DeLorean and could never go back past 1849, and I’m tired of the damn gold rush. Now with these suckas, my Flux Capacitor transfers about 40% more power and I’m able to go back to the 1500’s.
Pros: They get you action, save lives and increase time travel
Cons, the blister packaging is a B**ch
Customers who bought this item also bought….
- the Brooklyn bridge
- swampland in Florida
- the Empire State Building
- signed photograph of Harvey the rabbit
The choice was clear
My car recently died (blew the engine and all four tires/rims in a death drift race). I was strapped for cash and could either afford a 1995 Honda Civic with a dragon painted on one side or these cables. I went down to the corner liquor store, bought myself some Mad Dog 20/20, chugged it, passed out and woke up three days later to these cables on my doorstep. I immediately started freaking out. “Oh my God! I need a car, not speaker cables!” I exclaimed between violent heaves from the bender three days prior. Little did I know, these cables CAME WITH A 2001 NISSAN 350Z WITH 110K MILES! I was wondering why they were so expensive (no moron would ever pay over $100 for one speaker cable :P). Now my 350Z (I named it Michelle) and I drive around the world, racing in underground leagues to avenge the death of my family.
These cables transformed my life!
As you may well imagine, after selling enough blood to afford the $6800.00 price tag for the AudioQuest K2 Terminated speaker cables, I needed a bit of a pick-me-up. So making certain I was alone in the house, I plugged the AudioQuest K2 Terminated speaker cables into the stereo. Now generally, I put the other end of even inferior cables into my knickers, but the less said of that the better. I plugged the other end into those handy neck bolts I had installed, and turned the stereo on!
What power, what clarity, what an amazing stream of magnificence flowed though my body! The lights dimmed, and down at the local power station, the sleepy technicians on duty panicked at something drawing huge power out of their system.
My body glowed, intense light shot out of my eyes, mouth and other orifices. I was transformed! I drew all the power our local power generating plant could supply, but was merciful enough not to drain the sun through all those solar panels the neighbors had placed on their roofs. Instead, I chose a medium star in a nearby galaxy, and drained all it’s power, collapsing it into a red dwarf. These cables really perform!
Just for afters, I consumed a few small galaxies, no one will miss them, expect perhaps a few rather devoted astronomers.
Now flee from me, puny humans! Thanks to the AudioQuest K2 Terminated speaker cables, I have become the DEVOURER OF WORLDS! Bwaaa HaaH Haaah! Haah!
Obviously, there are quite a few very satisfied customers. YMMV.