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Part-Time Audiophile Gets Huge Infusion of Cash, Plans To Spend It Pretty Much Immediately

Well, it finally happened. The Lotto Fairy came through! My ticket has been validated and I've claimed my half of the $400M MegaMillions prize from the March 18th drawing! I'm so excited I can hardly sit long enough to take a decent constitutional! I'm using lots of exclamation points and I can't seem to stop! As you know, I've been fantasizing about this for so many years … Sitting, staring blankly into my laptop screen. Standing, staring blankly into the shower wall as I try to wake up in the morning. Walking, staring blankly into the middle distance as I wait for the damn dog to finally conclude his morning pee-o-rama. So many, many, many hours spent, compiling lists and making plans. Now, it's go time.

First up, security. My wife and I have decided to relocate to a safe, neutral location until all the hubbub has died down (aka, the family has stopped their round-the-clock desperation-laced attempts to “catch up” and “just chat”), so don’t bother trying to find us.

Second, debts are gone! It’s been 20 years, but I finally paid off my grad school loans. Who knew an advanced degree in Philosophy would be so expensive? (Ok, Dad, pipe down. No one asked you.)

Third, relo plans. We have to figure out where to relocate. I’m opting for a “tropical island”, but there seems to be resistance in the ranks. More negotiation on that front is clearly required. In the meantime, we’ll tour some possible locations and see if anything sticks.

Fourth, smack Mitt Romney in the back of the head. It had to be done. Turns out, he’s not a mannequin! Totally surprised both of us, I’ll tell you. Whew! Weird.

Fifth — and probably the most interesting to you — I’ve entered into an agreement to purchase Stereophile Magazine from Source Interlink. They wanted crazy money for it, but I had my new pal Mitt put in a few good words for me. We had a good laugh about the head-smacking thing at that fund raiser with the Koch Brothers. Anyway, that deal should close sometime in the next few weeks. We’ll be doubling the size of each magazine for the next few issues to celebrate, stuffing the additional space full of naked ladies and wild animals draped artfully over micro-watt tube amplifiers. It’s gonna be awesome. We’re planning to keep the staff on in deference to John Atkinson’s cat (we have an agreement), but we’ll be adding several new writers, as well as columns on lifestyle items like tasty adult beverages, photography, men’s jewelry, consumer electronics, and fine men’s clothing. Yes, I’m bringing the top hat back, bitches. Booyah.

Sixth, Enjoy the Music‘s Steve Rochlin and I have formed a joint-venture to bring AudioTV to life. This has been a long-time dream of ours! The YouTube Channel will bring 1 hour of unique content four nights a week — and Bravo TV will air our “Best Of” material in a roll-up episode airing every Sunday evening in the slot following Cosmos. We are very excited. Michael Mercer will be hosting, so be sure to tune in.

Seventh, I’ve asked Light Harmonic‘s owner and designer Larry Ho to design a one-of-a-kind million-dollar digital-to-analog converter. I think we’re targeting casework from something Larry keeps calling “vibranium”, but whatever. I told him he had to paint it red, white and blue. Most importantly, it’ll also have a retractable disco ball and lasers. I can’t believe no one has done this before! I’m jumping up and down, clasping my hands with glee, right now. Oh oh oh! It’s gonna be sweet.

Eighth, speaker designer Jeff Joseph of Joseph Audio has agreed to design a Mega Pearl loudspeaker for my new specially-designed audio room. He said “Sure, I’ll get right on it” right before he hung up, so I’m pretty sure that means “soon”. This doesn’t give me a lot of time to build my house around it and I really need to figure out where that house is going to be. Decisions, decisions.

Ninth, I’m probably going to need to talk to a financial planner. Ahem. Better late than never.

Tenth, I’m quittin’ the day job! Woo hoo! Full-Time Audiophile here I come!

Get your Occasional now

11 Comments on Part-Time Audiophile Gets Huge Infusion of Cash, Plans To Spend It Pretty Much Immediately

  1. You’re too funny! Do forget me – You April Fool.

  2. I hate April 1st

  3. Looking forward to sharing your good fortune. Tony says we can work something out.
    –Paulie Walnuts

  4. haraldo // April 1, 2014 at 3:53 PM //

    Jony Ive decided to pay me a visit today, had him over for Greek Coffe and Muffins 😀

  5. I also struck lottery gold – even though I’ve never bought a ticket…

    Using my new found wealth to get the surgical procedure I’ve dreamt of and NEEDED since my youth. Yeah, getting a penile-prosthesis sourced from baby elephant trunks (which are grown in very large test-tubes using radical DNA clone technology). This procedure is as asserted, RADICAL and results have varied from quite successful to “ouch” (apparently one “happy” customer was celebrating with a lovely young lady –whom he treated to a fancy dinner, when out of “nowhere” the prothesis appeared, grabbing a roll out of the bread basket and depositing it in his bum… thus the “OUCH!”) I’m hoping they’ve ironed out that particular kink…

  6. The only part I’m having trouble believing is that Mitt is not a mannequin.

  7. MReeter // April 1, 2014 at 1:12 PM //

    Happy April Fools Day to you to!

  8. Kemper Holt // April 1, 2014 at 1:01 PM //

    Re ninth, I’ve got a guy

  9. that ain’t nothin… just after midnight I woke and checked my laptop, sure enough due to some very savvy financial planning a cool Billion dollars had landed in my bank account! With my new found clout I was able to get hold of Bill Gates and we are having lunch today…. and no I will not tell you where but it ain’t Seattle.

  10. “It brings us joy to form a strategic and mutually beneficial joint-venture with Part-Time Audiophile,” said Editor and Creative Director Steven R. Rochlin. “We both will nurture our long-time dream-come-true and look forward to eventually broadcasting 24/7/365 as the ‘CNN HD’ of the high fidelity audio industry. We could not ask for a better, more creative partner who is willing to take this industry to the next level.”

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